The Bayou: Cocaine Gators, Predictable Plot and sub-par CGI makes this film hard to digest

 

Welcome friends to the world of Hollywood monster survival films where our protagonists are thrown into unknown territories and pitted against apex predators. Here they are snatched from the peaceful world and are lumped into the abyss, far away from civilization and surrounded by danger that lurks in the shadows of low budget CGI and green screen sets. To win the game you just have to ensure one thing - YOUR OWN SURVIVAL. 

Now the monsters in question can be anything ;  man eating lions (The Ghost and the Darkness, Beast), dinosaurs (Jurassic Park film franchise) snakes (Anaconda), wolves (The Grey), Piranhas (Piranha film franchise) and of course sharks (Jaws) being one of the most notable film series among the infinite list of shark survival films made.

In this elite list of films there's another monstrosity that has left it's indelible bite marks- Crocodiles/Gators. Be it Lake Placid, Rogue or Black Water among many others and all these films have one thing in common ; the yellow toothed and bulgy eyed crocs. Among this 'illustrious' list a new film has made it's foray called "The Bayou".

The film opens up showing an abandoned dilapidated shack in the middle of nowhere which is being used as a warehouse for drugs. Guarded by heavily armed cartels who are ensuring things are in order. However as they are working quietly into the night DEA raids the location and in a scurry by the drug dealers to get out and get rid of the evidence the cocaine gets thrown into the water where the gators reside in huge numbers. Yes it's basically a Cocaine Croc kind of a situation. We have already seen bears, sharks now its time to see the effect of drugs on gators. Absolute genius!

The production houses these days seem to be running out of ideas and re-cyling plots is becoming the next best option. The cocaine genre has started a new chain and opened up a new line of possibilities. I am pretty sure that after a few more of these absurdities like Cocaine Giraffe, Cocaine Sloth, Cocaine Capybara, Cocaine Chimps (now this might be interesting) we will again come back to a different drug using the same animals in chronological order like perhaps a Meth Bear, Meth Shark and so on.

Cut to:-

Four friends embark on a trip 

Four friends set out to the Louisiana everglades to scatter the ashes of one of their deceased friend. The friend in question (Jamie) is the elder brother of the main protagonist in the film, Kyle who succumbed to his injuries while attempting to stop an armed robbery .The plan is to drive from Texas to Louisiana and pay homage to his adventurous soul.     

However all that changes when one of the friends in the group (Malika) makes a call to use a light aircraft to make the journey quicker, being fully aware that Kyle is afraid of flights. Now lets get the record straight Malika doesn't like Kyle as she blames her for Jamie's death as she was with him when he was shot in the convenience store by an armed burglar and believes she just let him die. So things are a bit rocky between the two and there's bad blood brewing with underlying tension. 

Anyway the flight in question which they charter is owned by a guy named Frank. Now Frank is the typical spooky dude that you come across in films like this. Mysterious, alcoholic, sarcastic you name it he has all those traits. The guy who camouflages himself under a wry smile and sarcasm. Even his aircrafts look shady and gives you a vibe of something sinister.

Frank -Same old characters just the name keeps on changing

Frank comes up introduces himself and tells you how the trip is going to be super easy peasy and will get over in a jiffy. He assures the group that they have nothing to worry about as the plane is in mint condition and fit to make the trip. Surprisingly even though they have their reservations about this trip they go forward with it. What's even more surprising is even though Kyle is super scared of plane rides she still sides with the inebriated Frank.

So anyway the flight takes off. Our main crew is there and so are five others who we all know have numbered days. It comprises of an elderly couple, a young couple and one corporate honcho who is just there to be a pain in the ass. I can't recall their names and honestly it doesn't even matter because we all know why they are there. Yes they are only here to be extra items on the Croc buffet.

Feeling brave now are we Kyle ?

Oh I didn't mention the pilot, obviously Frank cannot be trusted with the plane so there's a pilot too. He is entrusted with taking the passengers safely to the Bayou. Halfway into the journey the plane gets into turbulence and panic consumes everyone. Everything is going wrong, the plane is losing altitude, the engine is dying and things are literally about to GO DOWN.

And it does, the plane crashes hard into the swamps and the passengers are all knocked out into the water. Thankfully they all survive (except for the husband of the elderly lady) but not without their fair share of injuries. By the time these survivors even have the time to recuperate they see the pilot mysteriously emerge from the water. He looks unconscious as we see his head drooped down while his body stands straight in the water afloat right up to his breast level. 

The CGI is so bad that it gives Birdemic a run for its money

Now if you have watched as many films as I have of this genre you know quite well that things are about to go south real quick. And so it does. Within a few secs a massive gator emerges from the water and pulls his body down scaring the shit out of the onlookers. Now they understand what they have gotten themselves into. The flight they were on was unchartered so no black box as a result nobody knows where they are, so not only are they stranded in the middle of nowhere but are also surrounded by man eating gators.

And if that wasn't bad enough one of the friends of the group, Alice nicks a few gator eggs to jeopardize the situation even further. Nobody else knows about it as is the case with most films of this genre and by the time they realize what they are in for most of their near and dear ones end up dying in the most gruesome of ways.         

This is exactly what happens here. A situation that could have very well been avoided happens resulting in severe consequences. The group spots a cabin in the distance and decides to take shelter there for the time being as it also provides vantage. With no other alternative they choose to walk the treacherous jungle.

And this year's winner of the Darwin Award is ??

Obviously you can't make the walk without a few casualties along the way. The corporate honcho dies in the most stupidest manner ever. You are well aware you are in gator territory but this fool after dropping his phone chooses to have a full fledged conversation while crawled in the bushes in the middle of the night. The elderly lady however is taken down by crocs who ambush the group as they are just about to enter the cabin.

The crocs run at them in numbers at speeds that would embarrass even Speedy Gonzales and the Road Runner. As the group looks to get out of this mess that they have gotten themselves into everything starts to fall apart. Malika being the biatch that she is starts an argument with Kyle and the others. Frank decides to step in as the voice of reason and says something that totally blows my mind.

Mythical Florida Gators

"We are outgunned, outnumbered and to even have a small chance we have to stick together.", I mean yeah I get the outnumbered part but outgunned ?? Like seriously ? I mean who is writing the dialogues ? Or did I miss the Gators practicing their second amendment and doing a concealed carry right under their little arms?

Either way Frank's pep talk somehow diffuses the situation and they now decide to go a remote building after finding its location in the cabin. They believe if they get there they would be able to make a call for rescue.

Fast forward they reach the location which turns out to be the same shack they showed at the beginning. The gang decides to split up and look for phones and radio to call for help. Coincidentally Malika ends up partnering Frank and you just know something is about to give. Frank takes this opportunity to corner Malika and confront her on her impudence. Way to Frank! However Malika keeps on showing her insolence triggering Frank even further.

Not a smart move girl as suddenly Frank snaps and pushes Malika off the top of the flight of stairs. Malika hangs on for dear life screaming at the top of her lungs. This is exactly why you should know when and where to troll or else it can prove to be costly, a little bit of common sense goes a long way something that Malika does not have. Suddenly Frank realizes that he has gone too far with this and by the time he comes back to his senses a huge gator hanging from the freaking wall behind him chomps on his head and throws him on the ground.

 Malika is eventually saved by Kyle who pulls her up to safety. I really wanted Kyle to kick her off because of her shallow attitude but then again she is rightful protagonist and will justifiably do no wrong. They finally hug and reconcile. Aww! but hey now is not the time to get emotional guys you all are still not out of danger.

And this is exactly when he realized he f#$%^&d up

They finally find the radio room after crawling across sleeping crocs but one of them isn't so lucky. He stumbles on the eggs waking one of the gators up and gets his head bitten clean off with blood spurting everywhere. FYI the gentleman who just died was black totally keeping the stereotype alive that black guys don't make it out alive in survival films. Get Out was just a one off.

Kyle manages to get the radio working and call in for help putting in a smile across his friend's faces. Problem Solved ? Nah hold up guys before you get ahead with your celebrations, films like this don't end up this easy, you all know that. 

And soon enough a gargantuan gator emerges looking to hunt them all down. The door is on the other side, so they can't get out and that means they have to fight to survive. But Alice has a better idea she tries to negotiate with the gator. Not just that she casually walks up to the gator and holds the egg in front of its face striking a bargain. Sweetheart this is not the pawn stars that the gator would take the egg examine it and call an expert to verify its hers.

Alice -Hey Ms Gator do we have a deal ??

Gator - Hell No Bitch

So "surprisingly" the gator bites her arm off. Totally cleans it right from her elbow and throws her away like a used sock after masturbation. Now its all too much, Kyle has already seen her brother die and couldn't do nothing but this time she won't let it slide.

The (C)G(I)ator goes up in flames

She shoots at the gator helping her friends escape and then stabs it right in the eye with a machete. The gator writhes in pain. She notices that the room has inflammable liquid filled in drums which she uses to her advantage. Finally with the aid of her pocket lighter she burns the gator to a pulp. Following which the group leaves the factory as choppers arrive in the distance. 

The film ends as we see Kyle finally managing to scatter his brother's ashes as he wanted in the Everglades and zooming off in his bike. But hey like I said these films don't end like that. 

The final twist that even Stevie Wonder saw coming

The scene cuts to a trail of blood littering the floor and the camera rolls up the leg of a man. No prizes for guessing I know you'll are smart. Yeah it's Frank the dude is still alive and in the lair of the crocs. The resilient psycho takes a swig from his hipflask and gives that maniacal laughter that fades into black as the credits roll signaling the end of a horrendous film.